


In the weaves of smoke

by vogue91



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP, Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Angst, Character Death, M/M, Melancholy, Smoking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-13
Updated: 2018-05-13
Packaged: 2019-05-06 07:33:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,003
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14637093
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: He remembered clearly the first times he had smoked.He was fifteen, and he hadn't liked it at all.But everybody did it, some to play the adult and some because it relaxed them, and he didn’t want to be any different.As time had passed, he had acquired a taste for it, and that thing making him feel sick had become an addiction.





	In the weaves of smoke

Kei lit up a cigarette.

Since he had arrived at Yuya and Yuri’s house, less than an hour before, it was the seventh.

He sighed, breathing in deeply.

He let the smoke out in small puffs, staring at the greyish coil and the squiggles the smoke created around him.

Then he started taking deeper hits, as if he wanted the cigarette to burn out soon, so that he could’ve lighted up another one.

He remembered clearly the first times he had smoked.

He was fifteen, and he hadn't liked it at all.

But everybody did it, some to play the adult and some because it relaxed them, and he didn’t want to be any different.

As time had passed, he had acquired a taste for it, and that thing making him feel sick had become an addiction.

Kei used to smoke enough to lose count; and yet, there were cigarettes he remembered to have smoked, there were cigarettes that had a particular meaning for him.

He remembered the cigarette Hikaru had offered him after the first time they had slept together because _“you always smoke after sex”_. The younger had said that, and he remembered to have laughed, to have mocked him a little, but then they had made of that one-time thing something they would've hardly given up.

He wrapped himself in the sheets, charming, and he grabbed the packet, lighting up a cigarette for Hikaru and then one for himself.

Then the younger grabbed his hips and pulled him closer, and Kei couldn’t imagine anything making him feel better than that, something making him feel more serene than he did those moments.

He liked to be with Hikaru, he always had.

When they had first gotten together it had seemed so natural that he almost hadn't noticed the difference from the relationship they had before.

When they had moved in together Kei had thought about that apartment like their home, and had insisted on them furnishing it together, for it to have something of both of them.

Now he hated to have made that decision.

He took the last it from the cigarette and crushed it in the ashtray, taking another straight away in the exact moment Yuya came into the living room, going to sit next to him.

“Don’t you think you’ve started smoking too much?”

His tone was delicate, almost as if he was afraid of scaring him by using an harsher one.

Kei shrugged, staring at a blank spot and biting down on his lip.

“But it’s the only thing keeping me tied to him, Yuya. I don’t want to let it go.” he said, low.

Takaki sighed, and said nothing else.

He stayed there, staring at him, which he did often as of late.

He watched him. Everybody did, as if they were waiting for something.

And Kei wanted to laugh.

What were they expecting he would've done?

That he would've suddenly yelled, cried?

That he would've gone mad, because they all thought it was going to happen sooner or later?

He wasn’t going to give that to them, nor to Hikaru.

Not to the man who had left him alone. He didn’t deserve his madness for his cowardice.

Kei held on tight to his memories.

He held on the smell of smoke drenching the bedroom’s walls, and the sheets and the clothes, and everything inside that apartment, because the acre scent of the smoke somehow reminded him of pieces of life lived there, it reminded him of special moments, and it reminded him of how Hikaru and him had realized they were made for each other, that they were always going to love each other.

There was a world behind each cigarette, and Kei still wasn’t willing to give up on that.

He wished he could’ve just kept smoking, smoking, smoking, just to keep close the memory of Hikaru, and of his hands on his skin, and of every single time they had been in bed together, and Kei fell asleep with his face against his chest.

He wasn’t going to tell that to Yuya or to anybody else. He didn’t want to talk about what was going through his mind, it was something he wanted to keep to himself, his personal treasure.

Those memories were all he had left after Hikaru had gone away.

And Kei didn’t want to think about what had happened after his death, he didn’t want to think about Kota’s call asking him to go to the hospital, he didn’t...

He didn’t want to think about anything.

He wanted to close himself up in his room, there where Hikaru was alive, where Hikaru was next to him and loved him, ad Kei kept thinking about his voice while he told him, again and again, never stopping.

It was the only think making him survive, or he knew he wasn’t going to make it otherwise.

He had known Hikaru forever, he had loved him forever, and he couldn’t even think about a life where he wasn’t there.

He lit up another cigarette.

Hikaru’s face was back in his mind.

With that smell and those sensations, and his will to survive just to think about him, Kei was sure he was going to make it somehow.

He would've cried, one day. He would've cried all his tears and he would've fallen in despair, and perhaps then he would've admitted that Hikaru was dead, and that he was just denying the obvious, and was closing himself up in a life that couldn’t exist anymore, just because next to the younger he had always showed himself stronger, while his absence had brought on the surface that weakness that he had always dragged along, like a shadow on his steps.

But it wasn’t the right moment, this wasn’t the day when he would've stopped remembering.

Because he could still feel Hikaru next to him.

He saw his face in his mind, and he was smiling.

He felt his presence in the acre scent of the smoke.  


End file.
